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PART ONE: MY STORY AND HOW I GOT HERE
you stumbled across this web site by whatever means, or for whatever
reason, you may wonder why I set it up and what I intend to
accomplish with it. Fair question. First, a couple of things about me:
I'm a gay male living in the United States, and I'm saved. Most people
know what being gay is all about.
It means being homosexual. Most people understand what that is. But
what does it mean to be saved? Saved from what?
You see, I didn't create God. Yeah, that might be a surprise, but it's the truth. In fact, not only did I not create God, but it turns out that, of all crazy things in this world, God created me! Yeah, I'm His creation. And, matter of fact, so are you. And there's not a single thing we can do about it. Oh yes, we can destroy our bodies--you know, that thing you use to move about? But you certainly cannot destroy your soul. That is the essence of what you are, the part of you that will live forever and ever. So God created your soul, and so that soul can get around on this planet we live on, He gave you and me a body to hold it. Are you still with me on this?
So where does my homosexuality come into play here? How did I become homosexual? Maybe I filled out a form somewhere that said, “Please choose the sexual orientation you'd like to have, and remember that like donating money to the United States Government, your decision is final, irrevocable, and forever and ever. And have fun trying to change your mind later!”
No, I seriously doubt I filled out any such form. To be quite honest, I cannot tell you for sure how I became homosexual. But I can tell you when. Well, approximately when. By the age of three or four I knew something was different. I did not know what, but I just knew something was different about me from most of the other rug rats that I hung around with. Years later, like middle and high school, that became painfully obvious when all the other former rug rats started dating females, and I asked (stupidly), “Hey, why would you go and do something like that?” And they'd look at me like I just landed on the first spaceship from Mars, twist their face around a bit, and say, “Man, you're weird!” And I'd feel like crap for asking a stupid question like that. It was then that I realized that somewhere along the line there's like this switch in your brain that someone is supposed to throw that makes you stop liking guys so much and start liking girls. Not just tolerating girls, which all of us guys had done in our early teen and pre-teen years, but actually LIKING them.
Dang it! My switch did not flip. What the heck was wrong? What could I do about it? Was there some pill I could take to fix that? I mean we were in the age where a pill could solve almost any problem you had, so certainly there must be one for what I later learned was my homosexuality. Then I saw guys who actually admitted that they were homosexual become outcasts by society. It was as if they had some form of leprosy. That did not look very appealing to me. I mean, who the heck wants to be an outcast from society. Especially when you are a teenager, and really want decent and meaningful relationships? Oh crap, I said, this is not going to be good!
I was expected to be religious by my family, so I played along with that. But I did not understand most of it, and it certainly did not explain my emerging homosexuality. In fact, most of the religions I knew about said that all homosexuals head straight to hell, do not pass GO, do not collect $200. Bam, if you are gay when you die, you're toast in God's eyes, and banned from Heaven for a period of .... forever! Not only bummer on that, but double red-X bummer!
Man, I was getting really bummed by all of this. God creates me, then somehow and in some way I become different from all the other rug rats, and end up as a gay teenage boy who now cannot figure out how to flip that elusive switch in his brain that makes him like girls, and for that he gets to burn in Hell forever? I was really getting depressed about that! So much so that I decided on many occasions, “How dare you, God, I'm not going to take this stuff, I'm getting the heck out of Dodge!” That's when the suicide attempts started. I could not wait to get away from this crappy life. Death seemed so appealing to me.
I mean, if I'm going to spend eternity in Hell anyway, why wait 5 or 30 years to begin that life sentence? Why not start it now so I can at least avoid the human pain of dealing with this? I guess I sucked at suicide, or maybe I did not really want to die, because something really deep inside of me kept saying, “now if God created you because He loves you, and if you did not fill out some form saying that you WANTED to be gay, then why would he send you to Hell for eternity other than just for grins?”
And if I knew anything about God (and I did not know a lot) I was almost positive that He never did anything “just for grins.” That's not God's style. No, there had to be some method to this madness, but I could not figure it out for the life of me. So I wanted to figure that out before I off'd myself, but the pain of living was getting so great. I was a total and complete mess, and that's the sad truth. I figured that if I could not find the elusive switch that I could flip to make me straight like the other guys, maybe I'd flip the "MASTER OFF" switch and end my life on this planet, and with it, the pain of living a life of torment. Oh yeah, buddy, I knew I could find that switch. And once it is flipped, it's "game over" in this life!
One night while I was in college I had a particularly bad experience of rejection by a guy that totally devastated me, and that's when I said, “that's it--I'm outta here!” So I grabbed my trusty audio cassette recorder and left about two hours of a suicide note. I was hoping that my sad experience in this cruel world that I relayed via that tape would eventually be found and even maybe help someone to be able to help other screwed up guys like me. I was thinking they would discover my body and the tapes with a big note that read, “Hey stupid, my suicide note is on these cassette tapes!” (By the way, I've always kept the tapes for some reason, thinking that I might either use them for God's purposes or if I'm too lazy to write a future suicide note assuming that the reasons I gave for leaving this planet would more or less still remain the same.)
After I made the tapes, I got really tired, and lost consciousness. I think it was God who zonked me out so I would not go through with the suicide. The funny thing was that I did not wake up in Hell, or even Heaven. I woke up in my room, still alive and in one piece. What the heck! But I said to myself, “I think I will kill myself after my 8:30 Accounting class,” which is enough to drive any boy to suicide in and of itself. I mean, if you are going to spend eternity in Hell as I thought I was as a fully qualified homosexual, I might as well begin that Hell experience with a taste of it by sitting in yet another Accounting class!
But I guess that class went pretty well, I don't recall exactly. That rejection the night before that had spun me into a suicidal frenzy was a little more distant, and I think maybe a nice guy in that Accounting class talked to me or something like that, but for the time being I decided to live at least for a few hours longer. I mean, I can always kill myself TOMORROW I would reassure myself.
Well, I did not die in college, although I did attempt several halfhearted suicide attempts before I graduated. But I was a bit happier as time went on knowing that just maybe when I die I might not go directly to Hell. I was not sure about that, but it was nice to know that I might have a chance for Heaven after all. Yeah, a homosexual in Heaven, I used to laugh. But maybe this God really might be quirky enough to do something (“just for grins?”) that most churches in my era said would happen when pigs fly. Most churches told me I had a snowball's chance in a blistering Texas August day to get to Heaven if I'm gay. And that was the source of much of my angst and suicide attempts. I mean, was it really my fault that I could not figure out where that stupid “gay-straight” switch was in my brain so I could flip it?
Before I graduated, one afternoon I picked up a nice looking guy who was hitchhiking back to his apartment from class. I had known of Jesus Christ and all from my religious background, but really knew very little of WHY He did what he did, or how I could benefit from it. Anyway this guy in a very gentle way asks me if I knew anything about Jesus and what He did and why He did it. I really did not, and told him so, and this hitchhiker explained in a few words what Jesus was all about, and I was intrigued. That warm spring day in my Senior year in college began for me a lifelong journey to know everything about this Jesus Christ, and why He would do such a silly and dumb thing like die for me--me, the lowest of the low, a homosexual who struggles with love and acceptance, and certainly does not feel worthy to have the very Son of God die for my sins. Is that crazy or what!
That was many years ago. And a lot has happened since then. But the biggest thing that happened is that I, for the first time in my life understood a bit more why God made me, and even more amazingly, why He allowed His only Son, Jesus Christ to die for me so that this rotten worthless homosexual can have eternal life not in Hell, not in nothingness, but in the very throne room of the Creator of the whole universe! I still have trouble thinking such a thing could be true. And many churches would agree, bless their legalistic misguided hearts!
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